Help Zo Niet Saar - Lymie

Young mother Saar (25 yo) is fighting the horrible Neuro Borreliose Lyme disease phase 3, as well EDS - Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. She will never walk again, lives on fluid food as she can't swallow and without help she can't take care of her two young kids. But she needs her children, they give her power. They give her the strength to go on and never give up.

Saar's daughter was only just recently diagnosed with EDS too, which makes Saar very sad. Like any other mother, you don't want to see your baby in pain ... and Saar wants to comfort her as much as she can.

Unfortunately Saar cannot go upstairs to her daughters bedroom because there's no elevator in the house. Her children are sleeping upstairs and Saar has to sleep downstairs...

She hasn't been able to take a soothing bath (in the tub) for 6 months now... as carrying Saar up the stairs is just too risky. Many more adjustments are needed in the house but aren't provided for. Will you please help Saar so she can be the mother she deserves to be?

Saar is a true inspirator, she is also sharing her story on Facebook and Instagram to raise awareness of the danger of Lyme disease through tick bites. There are many volunteers helping her, and with your donations we could make life much easier for this very special family.

Love & Light, Saar & Mel

We e.g. need € 15.000,- to get Saar an elevator so she can bring her kids to bed, please donate to Stichting PUUR Zien, IBAN NL21INGB0006544911 ING Bank N.V. Foreign Operations PO Box 1800 1000 BV Amsterdam The Netherlands
or use Paypal: info@mery.nl, thank you!
Our BIC: INGBNL2A (Swift code)

Loving Vivian Maier

'Finding Vivian Maier' - Yesterday I finally watched the documentary. What a remarkable woman. I loved her work, right from the start, when this film wasn't made yet and Mr. Maloof was still searching for her. Her images are addictive and it's kind a funny that we (I assume most people who love her work feel this too) are waiting for new work to be published as kids waiting for Santa. Excited!!

It was good to see Mr. Maloof's work and effort, as I until now only read about in online. And how very funny that the kids she used to be the nanny of, gave such different destriptions of her. She must have been troubled by deeper thoughts, most likely something happened to her as a child and screwing her head up about men, and life in general too.

"I am a spy" she said. And she most likely meant it. She was a hoarder. Collecting sound (interviewing people in the supermarket) and 8mm film next to all the beautiful photos she took. She was a dark, closed person, but via her work she tells you who she is. It's sad she died poor, but when you learn about the tax payments cheques still being kept in her belongings, I think it's her screwed up head that most likely said "do not take that money from the government". She still lived a fairly free life, no husband, no kids.

Than the story about her newspapers, piles of them, OMG, you've seen people like this before on tv. And nothing may be thrown out, as "It's to be used later". The newspapers she collected were all about dark subjects too, crime, murder, rape. She was always looking for this darker side of society, like taking one of the girls she was babysitting to a slaughter house to take photos and film footage of. Or taking photos first, of the boy who got run over by a car, instead of comforting him being his nanny.

Poor woman. She must have felt not alone, but with too many. She most likely was a bit schitzo, but aren't we all?!? I don't think she felt alone, I think she was just scared. Scared of the big, angry world, and without a parent raising her not to be afraid, she turned out like this. All the kids still remember little off things she did. 'Accidents', but not really.

And she kept taking all these photos. She really was a ZIENer, like me. I see. She sees. It's not the camera, it's her vision. Her vision of the world. And in her case: the darker side of it. As if a lot of things she ran into (on the street) were crazy. To her, the world was a crazy place.

And I feel sad for her. I am a ZIENer who looks for the beauty in life, happiness is there, on every corner, but people don't SEE (it). I can tell you how to see and get positive energy from life, not to be scared of it. The Miksang Contemplative Photography I now teach, helps people to see the positive side of the crazy, mad world. I wish I could've talked to her 20 years ago. I wish I could've inspired her to lighten up, just a little.

The two best moments of the documentary for me were the photos of her world trip, that selfie of her, standing on deck, of a sea ship. That was the first real happy photo of her, with a SMILE and happiness in her eyes. As in a lot of the other selfies she's looking away, or she looks into the camera with that troubled view... Dear Vivian, what on earth was troubling you? What happened that you turned out this dark? Abandoned by her family, or maybe even assaulted?

I wish she could've seen the shows that are here now, with all of her photos. I think the reaction of people to her work would've brightened her day, her mind, her soul. The second best moment of the documentary is the moment in that little French village of her, where her work is exhibited and this fragile, very old lady sees her (diseased) husband in one of the photos. Heart breaking, the way she reacts. And for her daughter who's witnessing this too, a priceless moment! This is a moment they will never forget and think back of with nothing but joy and happiness. Positive energy.

Vivian, you can make people feel like this. I can make people feel like this. It's a gift and I feel sad you weren't able to witness the effect your pictures have on the public. People are moved by your work. It's a valuable historic document, but it's also a very good vision of this crazy world.

Vivian, I love you. I hope you have now found the peace you were looking for. 

Thank you for showing us the world from your eyes.

One of my own 'Vivian Maier' street photos - selfie at Venice Beach 2014

Infra-RED

InfraRED.

How infrared light changes a natural redhead's skin, face, hair, wreckles. Photo experiment in 2009/2010 - I've been taking photographs of gingers since 2007, when I was the first photographer on the Breda redheadday to shoot 100+ portraits of redheads on the day itself. 

In the book both colour and B&W (infrared) portraits, but you need to turn the book upside down to see the second half. (the book has two fronts so to speak) We love ginger!!

I am now a Photographer at A Beautiful Body Project

YES, I am now a photographer of the Beautiful Body Project by Jade Beall.

#ikzieikzie (wat jij niet ziet) - Let's Celebrate Life! Contemplative Photography from the ♥

Looking at life, I SEE. I SEE you. And YOU are so worth it.

When I first saw Jade's photos, I immediately had to think of my PURE. Proud young mothers series 2006-2009 - nude portraits of teenmothers 16-22 years old, posing pregnant or with child, 100% Photoshop free.

Since my days as a student at the Academy of Arts ('96, St. Joost, Breda) I've been taking photos showing the beauty of the female body. Je suis belle, ô mortels! comme un rève de pierre - taken from Charles Baudelaire's poem La Beauté from the book Fleurs du Mal, is my guideline ever since.

I am beautiful, oh mortals! like a dream carved in stone

Jade is a beautiful and PURE mother, and she made the headlines with her photos showing PURE beauty. I am proud to be a Beautiful Body Photographer and share all beauty with the world. Melanie Rijkers at A Beautiful Body Project

Cranky Old Man

Via Facebook I read a poem 'Cranky Old Man' and wanted to share it.

Looking for the original poem, I stumbled upon the following:

Message circulating via social media and email claims that a touching poem about growing old called "Cranky Old Man" was found in the possessions of an old man who died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town.

This is an Australian version of several older stories that have circulated in the United States and the UK for many years. The stories attached to this version of the poem are fictional. The scenario described in the message did not happen and the poem was not found in the belongings of an old man in a nursing home as claimed. The poem itself has a long and somewhat obscure history. The original version featured an old woman rather than an old man and is sometimes attributed to English nurse Phyllis McCormack who reportedly penned it in the 1960's. The "old man" version of the poem was apparently adapted from the original by David L. Griffith of Texas and can be seen in its original context on the poet's website.

What a great poem still! And so very suitable to publish on SPIRITUS. "The poem may actually have been written by Phyllis McCormack in 1966, who at the time was working as a nurse in a Scottish hospital."

It's about to SEE another human being. To SEE is all it takes.
Well, being a ZIENer (zien is to see in Dutch), I couldn't agree more!

Crabbit Old Woman

What do you see, nurses what do you see

Are you thinking when you are looking at me

A crabbit old woman, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes,

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice --I do wish you'd try

Who seems not to notice the things that you do

And for ever is losing a stocking or shoe,

Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill

Is that what you are thinking, is that what you see,

Then open your eyes, nurses, you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

As I used at your bidding, as I eat at your will,

I am a small child of ten with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters who love one another,

A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet

Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet;

A bride at 20 -- my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows that I promised to keep

At 25 now I have young of my own

Who need me to build a secure, happy home;

A women of 30 my young now grow fast,

Bound to each other with ties that should last,

At 40 my young sons have grown and are gone;

But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;

At 50, once more babies play around my knee.

Again we know children, my loved one me

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,

I look at the future, I shudder with dread,

For my young are all rearing young of their own

And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel

'tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone where once was a heart

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells

And now and again my battered heart swells

I remember the joys I remember the pain,

And I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years all too few - gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses open and see

Not a crabbit old women look closer - see me.

My grandmother and me - 19 October 1997, nursinghome - telling her Hans and I got married

Yes my sweet grandmother, I SEE you. I see you, hear you, am you. ♥ Everdina Driessen-van Bon, RIP. (she died not long after this photo)

HALF - redhead portraits by MeRy

HALF - e-book € 4,99 - 42 pages of redhead portraits

The Dutch redhead gathering days are coming again soon!
Finally I've finished my e-book with the portraits I took last year. We love ginger!

Baby Elijah & Saar

Elijah 1 :)

                                      Family happiness

Exhausted Saar, 17 March 2013, birthday party for baby Elijah, turning 1....

My dear Lord, it's so unfair!

Now Saar is back home from the nightly rush into the Bonn hospital, and was she able to live with her family again and be part of Elijah turning 1.

But now what? How will it end? Nobody knows... she's off the anti-biotics, what's next? The Lyme bacterias take over??? Goosebumps when I think of the outcome! Dear Saar, having to go through all this suffering! Lyme sucks big time!

I'd like to go to her again, comfort her, and be there with my camera. 
Please, can you help us?

We're also creating a book series where we're going to use a lot of Saar's own pictures, like in this post.

Photography is therapy, and YOU CAN help us:

If you'd like to support Saar and her family, please donate via Paypal

*** God bless you all ***

or IBAN: NL41ABNA0607286849 + BIC: ABNANL2A if you want to pay via online banking.

17 maart 2013, Saar suffers, you can see it in her eyes, happy birthday Elijah or not...

Saar & me 2

Last week I finally had the chance to go to Saar again. Sarhea's mom drove to the German clinic together with Saar's son Elijah. If the photos are too small, you can click on one and browse through bigger sized photos.

The German clinic is specialised in Lyme disease, the docters live near the clinic and walk in and out all day. Patients rent an appartment, quite big, so you don't sleep in a ward. The weather was perfect, sunny, 19 degrees Celcius. Nutella had opened the balcony door and we were happy to be there, all together enjoying the day.

Ofcourse Saar now wanted to go outside, on the small balcony. Yes, a quick smoke too. And Nutella, strong, strong Nutella, she lifts Saar from bed to bed, to toilet, to balcony. Wow. Respect to this brave little lady!

Elijah wants the oxygen tube

Sweet baby, but exhausting too...

Saar has a hospital bed, but also likes to sleep in the big bed, together with Nutella. Cuddling and hugging, Saar needs it a lot. It must be so frustrating for her, to be in bed for over 2,5 months. She's such a vivid and alive person normally...

'I'm sitting on the balcony for the very first time Mel!' she says cheerfully. It's a beautiful day. We're alle enjoying it. 'I am having a good day' she says, knowing we're coming gives her energy. Later she'll be exhausted.
This is what we can do, for her. This is what WE can give her, and that's so very special.

Horror-hour starts...

There's the Doctor...everyone has to leave the room. 'I don't want them (her closest family like mom and son) to see me like this.' Saar tried to explain, the antibiotics are the worst. She needs 3 different morfines to fight the pain. The ab (antibiotics) drip into her vains and reach the bad cells right away.

Her inflammated brainstem, all the vains in her whole body, everything experiences pain. It's the fight of
Neuro Borreliose Lyme with ab. Holey Jesus, she's in severe pain...

I am speechless, but I keep watching her, with my camera. In the arms of Nutella she screams in pain, cramping and stretching all over. 'Mel, this is true hell, 10 times worse then when delivering a baby' (her son will be 1 year old next weekend).

...

I need to stay, she wants me to. I don't want to leave her anyway, not like this. I want to hold her, caress her, comfort her, try to take the pain away. She has to go through this very day, for months... how many more??

...

Untill that annoying bacteria is gone, gone from her body.
Only then Saar can be free, and happy again.

Saar cramps, having severe pains...

My God, powerless we are. How small I felt, witnessing all this happening to this little strong girl.
 RESPECT in big letters.

'Mel, sometimes I stop breathing, I do 'uh, uh, uh' and then my breathing stops'... excuse me?? She told me this as if it's not very important. Now she lays there, drugged by morfine, shouting in pain. The drip has to GO, GO, GO! But it can't and Nutella sings Saar her song.
So happy with smartphones, this way Saar can listen to her favorite music while in pain, let music comfort her. Tella has tears in her eyes.

Is the damn drip finally empty?? No, it's not...

I hide behind the pole with the drips, capturing Saar's face, screaming with pain. Got it, so beautiful, so ugly. I don't want this! (for her) I do want to document it! (for her) And then I feel I am done. Saar keeps wriggling in and out of Nutella's arms, I want to sit with her on the bed and put down my camera.

Better.

Nutella tries to tell me to take a pillow when holding Saar, and after a while I get it, your own body cramps too, when holding Saar firmly, avoiding her to pull out the drip. NO, Saar has 100 times more pain than me, I stay put. Nutella sees Saar is okay in my arms and goes outside to have a quick smoke to release her tension.

21 Years old. And Saar's biggest support in the daily horror-hour, as I call it from now.

Go girl, I am here, Saar's in good hands.

Then Tella also takes a few pics of me and Saar....

...

Again she plays Saar's favorite songs and then Saar says 'Tella, take a walk when it's done!' When the medicine's finally in, she can go out for a while, leaving Saar in my arms. And I caress her like a baby.

We sit there, Saar half sleeping, while it's getting dark outside.

She has to go through this every day.

All these pains because of an infection by such a small bug!

The bite wasn't recognized as being a tick bite. 'You're pregnant' (and experiencing pregnancy itches, this was the 'reason' for the rash). Ladies, be careful when you're pregnant, take extra care!! Saar now has Neuro Borreliose phase 3. Most damaging, most painfull phase there is...


Her German Doctor says to be patient. But geeee, how long can she sope??

Now and then Saar indeed stops breathing. I can hear her breath and then the uh, uh, uh and it stops. I rub her firmly, come on Saar, breath. And she does. She keeps doing this. Did she tell me coz she knew this would happen? So I wouldn't be scared?
Nutella asks are you going to be ok when I'm out. Yes, do go walk for a bit,Tella is taking care of Saar 24/7. Sometimes Saar wakes up, looks at me with her big space-eyes. Tiny black pupils 'I see 6 eyes Mel, one on your forehead, two on your cheeks and one on the chin' she says.

Poor Saar.

Pierewiet (her diseased bird) is there, an owl sits on her bed and a giraffe is there as well. She sees the whole zoo appear, so it seems. And still she asks 'Mel are you comphy? If you need another pillow you must say so.' So, so very ill, and still taking care of others.

Now it's a week later.
Saar's just been transported to the hospital in Bonn.

I don't think she'll make it this way.

God, how I hope I am wrong.
But she's a wreck, finished with all the pain, done.

Lyme, YOU SUCK BIG TIME.

Tick bite causing Lyme

Saar sent this photo to me a few times. The red dot in the top photo was the tick bite.
&;^%$*#!$*!
She has this red rash for half a year and NOBODY thinks of LYME. WTF?!?

Now she's phase 3. Not good. We don't know if she will survive this, and when she does, how. She apps, 'Mel, I don't care how I survive, I just want to survive. I want to go home and enjoy my kids. Even if it takes a wheelchair for me to take them to school.'

My dear sweet Saar, mother of two beautiful kids, wife of a beautiful man and daughter of a lovely mother. We all love you. And miss you already.

♥