woensdag 13 maart 2013

Saar & me 2

Last week I finally had the chance to go to Saar again. Sarhea's mom drove to the German clinic together with Saar's son Elijah. If the photos are too small, you can click on one and browse through bigger sized photos.

The German clinic is specialised in Lyme disease, the docters live near the clinic and walk in and out all day. Patients rent an appartment, quite big, so you don't sleep in a ward. The weather was perfect, sunny, 19 degrees Celcius. Nutella had opened the balcony door and we were happy to be there, all together enjoying the day.
Ofcourse Saar now wanted to go outside, on the small balcony. Yes, a quick smoke too. And Nutella, strong, strong Nutella, she lifts Saar from bed to bed, to toilet, to balcony. Wow. Respect to this brave little lady!

Elijah wants the oxygen tube
Sweet baby, but exhausting too...
Saar has a hospital bed, but also likes to sleep in the big bed, together with Nutella. Cuddling and hugging, Saar needs it a lot. It must be so frustrating for her, to be in bed for over 2,5 months. She's such a vivid and alive person normally...

'I'm sitting on the balcony for the very first time Mel!' she says cheerfully. It's a beautiful day. We're alle enjoying it. 'I am having a good day' she says, knowing we're coming gives her energy. Later she'll be exhausted.
This is what we can do, for her. This is what WE can give her, and that's so very special.

Horror-hour starts...
There's the Doctor...everyone has to leave the room. 'I don't want them (her closest family like mom and son) to see me like this.' Saar tried to explain, the antibiotics are the worst. She needs 3 different morfines to fight the pain. The ab (antibiotics) drip into her vains and reach the bad cells right away.

Her inflammated brainstem, all the vains in her whole body, everything experiences pain. It's the fight of
Neuro Borreliose Lyme with ab. Holey Jesus, she's in severe pain...

I am speechless, but I keep watching her, with my camera. In the arms of Nutella she screams in pain, cramping and stretching all over. 'Mel, this is true hell, 10 times worse then when delivering a baby' (her son will be 1 year old next weekend).


I need to stay, she wants me to. I don't want to leave her anyway, not like this. I want to hold her, caress her, comfort her, try to take the pain away. She has to go through this very day, for months... how many more??


Untill that annoying bacteria is gone, gone from her body.
Only then Saar can be free, and happy again.

Saar cramps, having severe pains...
My God, powerless we are. How small I felt, witnessing all this happening to this little strong girl.
 RESPECT in big letters.

'Mel, sometimes I stop breathing, I do 'uh, uh, uh' and then my breathing stops'... excuse me?? She told me this as if it's not very important. Now she lays there, drugged by morfine, shouting in pain. The drip has to GO, GO, GO! But it can't and Nutella sings Saar her song.
So happy with smartphones, this way Saar can listen to her favorite music while in pain, let music comfort her. Tella has tears in her eyes.

Is the damn drip finally empty?? No, it's not...

I hide behind the pole with the drips, capturing Saar's face, screaming with pain. Got it, so beautiful, so ugly. I don't want this! (for her) I do want to document it! (for her) And then I feel I am done. Saar keeps wriggling in and out of Nutella's arms, I want to sit with her on the bed and put down my camera.


Nutella tries to tell me to take a pillow when holding Saar, and after a while I get it, your own body cramps too, when holding Saar firmly, avoiding her to pull out the drip. NO, Saar has 100 times more pain than me, I stay put. Nutella sees Saar is okay in my arms and goes outside to have a quick smoke to release her tension.

21 Years old. And Saar's biggest support in the daily horror-hour, as I call it from now.

Go girl, I am here, Saar's in good hands.

Then Tella also takes a few pics of me and Saar....


Again she plays Saar's favorite songs and then Saar says 'Tella, take a walk when it's done!' When the medicine's finally in, she can go out for a while, leaving Saar in my arms. And I caress her like a baby.

We sit there, Saar half sleeping, while it's getting dark outside.

She has to go through this every day.

All these pains because of an infection by such a small bug!

The bite wasn't recognized as being a tick bite. 'You're pregnant' (and experiencing pregnancy itches, this was the 'reason' for the rash). Ladies, be careful when you're pregnant, take extra care!! Saar now has Neuro Borreliose phase 3. Most damaging, most painfull phase there is...

Her German Doctor says to be patient. But geeee, how long can she sope??

Now and then Saar indeed stops breathing. I can hear her breath and then the uh, uh, uh and it stops. I rub her firmly, come on Saar, breath. And she does. She keeps doing this. Did she tell me coz she knew this would happen? So I wouldn't be scared?
Nutella asks are you going to be ok when I'm out. Yes, do go walk for a bit,Tella is taking care of Saar 24/7. Sometimes Saar wakes up, looks at me with her big space-eyes. Tiny black pupils 'I see 6 eyes Mel, one on your forehead, two on your cheeks and one on the chin' she says.

Poor Saar.

Pierewiet (her diseased bird) is there, an owl sits on her bed and a giraffe is there as well. She sees the whole zoo appear, so it seems. And still she asks 'Mel are you comphy? If you need another pillow you must say so.' So, so very ill, and still taking care of others.

Now it's a week later.
Saar's just been transported to the hospital in Bonn.

I don't think she'll make it this way.

God, how I hope I am wrong.
But she's a wreck, finished with all the pain, done.


Tick bite causing Lyme
Saar sent this photo to me a few times. The red dot in the top photo was the tick bite.
She has this red rash for half a year and NOBODY thinks of LYME. WTF?!?

Now she's phase 3. Not good. We don't know if she will survive this, and when she does, how. She apps, 'Mel, I don't care how I survive, I just want to survive. I want to go home and enjoy my kids. Even if it takes a wheelchair for me to take them to school.'

My dear sweet Saar, mother of two beautiful kids, wife of a beautiful man and daughter of a lovely mother. We all love you. And miss you already.

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